Posts Tagged ‘porn’

a porn ultimatum

October 13, 2009

Dead, dead eyes. That dead, glacially indifferent stare of the porn star. Yawn.

Here at My Blog Wot I Write, we know exactly what it is you want. You want pornos with plots. Shagging with structure. Romps with rapport. And so, good people of the world, that is exactly what I wish to bring you. The ultimate in de-clothed deconstructionism. Or the script at least.

Porn films are increasingly caught in expensively compromising positions; flirting outrageously with the big budget, full-blown (ha.) fodder generally associated with the city with the big letters on the hill, where all the famous people come from. 2005 and 2008 bought us, respectively, Pirates and Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. The former was filmed on a budget of $1,000,000, the largest ever budget for a porno, and we can only presume the costs were even more absurd for the sequel. You will be unsurprised to learn that these movies – wait for it, wait for the shock – these movies are inspired by (read: spoofing) the Pirates of the Caribbean series. In fact, Pirates II pretty much steals outright the skeleton crew idea from the first Caribbean movie; the Johnny Depp movies will herein be referred to as ‘Caribbean’, rather than their usual casual ‘Pirate’ moniker to avoid widespread panic and confusion. Obviously it isn’t really Hollywood, and the CGI looks a bit ropey at times, but it remains pretty damn well-shot nonetheless. The sets are suitably overblown. There’s seas, and ropes, and hats, and swords, and cannons, and everything. Hell, even the acting out does Orlando Bloom at times. Sorry. Too easy.

Much like Hollywood and other mainstream movies are using all-star, ensemble cast tactics – Burn After Reading, etc – so too does the Pirates series. Oh yes, ladies and genitalmen, Pirates II stars none other than; Belladonna, Sasha Grey, Jesse Jane, Jenna Haze, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone. Unbelievable, I know. How – I hear you clamour – could so many household names appear in just two hours of digital imitation-celluloid? (yes, it is filmed on digital, of course it is.) There’s even a professional script-writing team involved. Clearly this is a lucrative business. But it isn’t right.

Yes, it has a plot. Yes, the script is pretty terrible, but the cast try hard enough. Yes, it has the look of a proper movie. But something is wrong, and this is that something; how rampant do you think threesomes, lesbians and anal were in the days of pirates and high seas. Okay, I’ll grant you that final one – a topic I think you’ll find most wonderfully covered in Barry R. Burg’s text ‘Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition’, a terrific study. Everything else is just not right. Okay, so skeleton crews and kraken are unrealistic too. But they’re essentially the coating, the husk, for lots and lots of hi-definition fucking. The Fuck, as it were, is not integral to The Plot. They remain mutually exclusive. The movie even ships in two versions; the hardcore, uncut, frenzy of fanny, and an R-rated, sphinctal-sparing edition. First, who’s going to pay to see a sub-par Caribbean, devoid of filthy content, and second, if the movie can be circumcised like that, it’s probably not a very cohesive porno. The producers missed a trick, an all-male cast, and so in one testosteral plunge you’ve justified all this sea-based spaffing. And I wouldn’t be writing this blog, for so many reasons.

Plots and budgets aside, the actors too are seeping out, and popping up like eager herpes, in all areas of the arts. Sasha Grey, for instance, has appeared recently, and convincingly, in horror – Smash Cut, alongside Herschell ruddy Gordon Lewis! – arty-drama – The Girlfriend Experience – and has her own industrial music group – Atelecine. They’re crossing over! Straddling the boundaries. Porn is generally, and I don’t wish to sound derogatory here, but porn is generally a place populated by weirdos. Well, it’s time for a normal to have a go! Someone with almost zero interest in the sizes, durations and volume, entirely devoted instead to character development and themes. Not necessarily the most Oxbridge either, just someone with something to bring to the set that isn’t absolutely gigantic body parts.

So, my proposition? Find a scenario in which all this relentless porking would be necessary and beneficial to the plot; where The Fuck and The Plot are inextricably entwined, genetically fused.  So, what, that’s pretty much almost any pretentious art film ever made. But they pretend to be clever. I wish to dismiss any illusion of acumen.

Naturally, post-apocalyptic porn will have jumped to the very fore of your mind. And it has already been done, Café Flesh in 1982, first popped that particular cinematic cherry. I don’t wish to retread old ground, but this really does seem like the best place to set a whole bunch of people wishing merely to split their respective hamsters. You aren’t restricted by social convention, the world will certainly need repopulating and there’ll be very little else to do – rebuilding society from the bottom up aside. The blankest of blank canvases. Also, you lose a zillion points of credibility if any kind of pseudo-literary ideas began to form in that pregnant head of yours; Oliver Fist, A Tale of Two Titties, you know what I’m talking about. I know Dickens has made it very easy for us, but that’s exactly the kind of laziness that generates derivative Pirate material!

There is a light at the end of this orifice. The previously blogged-about gay zombie porno may very well tick all my boxes here described. My only reservation is that, as a zombie, perhaps having a shag isn’t quite top priority – considering the massive risk involved of things involuntarily falling off, I’d thoroughly discourage any zombie from undertaking such an activity. Besides, from what I’ve gathered, it tries to be a relatively arty film. This is not what I want. I want scenes devoid of taste, devoid of artistic merit, nasty as you will – so long as they also work with a well-sculpted plot.

It is a dream. If you write it, they will come.

Expect a break-through update any day now. When I finally nail that sophisticated fuck fest square between the eyes.

j.

post-script; whatever you thought of me prior to reading this blog, i’m sorry for finally shattering that well-groomed preconception of yours.